Random thoughts on a Vietnamese bus

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Could it be any colder in here?

This question serves no purpose, as I become a human Popsicle, clenching this complimentary thin green blanket. It’s been 6 hours since I left Mui Ne on this sleeper bus headed for Ho Chi Min City. Through all effort on my part to land a window seat, I’m in the middle.

To my left, an adorable 3 year old girl doing what 3 year olds everywhere do. Rolling, tapping the glass, making sound effects, singing, and the occasional sharp squeal which is abruptly silenced by a tap on the head by her mother. She’s cute, but thank the stars I don’t have one of these things.

To my right, “Queen Smacks-a-lot” chomps away at her bus stop candy, while occasionally man level belching, and drenching herself in what I can only assume to be something between vanilla extract and rubbing alcohol. I really wish I would have learned “close your mouth” in vietnamese. I really want to get to wherever it is I’m supposed to be going. Who even knows anymore?

The floor is lined with sitting travelers, overflow that was ushered onto the bus anyway. It’s of no concern to me really, I was here first, I secured a seat (neh neh neh neh neh). Asia starts to change you a bit that way it seems. They are always competing with each other, survival of the fittest, if you will.

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The bus consists of 3 sections, left, right, and middle. There is a bottom and top layer. Guess where I ended up? That’s right, the shitty one. I’m being dramatic, my seat is fine. This is a very nice bus, much better than my last sleeper bus equipped with a merciless suspension system, roadside bush pee breaks, and cockroaches.

Ok, so anyone who really knows me, knows I enjoy peeing outside. They flipping do it everywhere here! Dudes are standing next to the burger king just rocking it like it doesn’t even matter! The west is too damn coddled.

Dogs do whatever they feel like doing around here, as well. They are running all over the place, no leashes or fences, peeing and sleeping on everything. No one cares…I saw a dog sleeping on a table at a restaurant in Laos, these canines are a menace. They never get hit by cars! They look both ways, walk to the median, look both ways AGAIN, and cross over after the motorists!

I’m so glad I bought a new pair of fake crocs. These are way better than my last pair, nicer colors as well. I’ll never make fun of people in Crocs again. These shoes rule, flip flops are a joke. I’m walking on clouds, world! I recycled the old ones. By recycled, I mean that I “forgot” them at my hotel with the hope that someone will adopt them after I’m gone. Whew, I feel good about myself. You’re welcome.

What is that smell!? No wonder everyone around here are wearing masks! Hey! Some cool neon running lights just flipped on! Ohhhh…pretty colors…

Wait, what was I thinking about? Oh, who the hell cares, the bus is stopping! What’s up Saigon!? let’s get down!

-Jesse Hunter

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